Guidelines for the Holidays, Part II (on reasons to NOT take the train)

Estoy: The same as I was last time.
Currently reading: See above. Okay, I don’t read that fast, especially when I’m typing.

Due to the extremely long nature of this list, I decided to split it up. So here’s the next segment.

Number One¹: Whatever you do, whomever you’re visiting, and wherever you’re going, DO NOT take the train. Let me repeat this for those you less intelligent readers²: DO NOT take the train. Get it? Got it? Good. My family has been taking it to Minnesota each Christmas for three years now³, and not one of those years has it actually been on time. Also, we’re not exactly close to the train—the nearest depot is a good five hours away. At least, it is with my dad driving. He drives slowly. Anyhow, back to the train: It may be slightly faster than regular travel since it goes 79 miles per hour⁴ and only stops about once an hour for 15 minutes⁵, but it gets old very fast. Sure, the seats are a lot bigger than airplane ones and yeah, they have more foot room, but after five hours of sitting, your butt gets reeeeaaaally sore. The bathrooms on the train are insanely small⁶, the water has issues⁷, and the food is way too overpriced⁸. I had to deal with this for about 18 hours…and if you can do math, then you know that it is fairly impossible for a person to go 18 hours without sleep⁹. Well, not unless you’re a Meth addict, drink way too many energy drinks, or are having a sleepover. But the first two, I don’t do, and the latter is next to impossible on the train. If, by some misfortune¹⁰, you have to take the train, make sure you bring your own pillow. I had mine, but many people on the train were left pillow-less after the attendants at Chicago forgot to give us pillow covers. Secondly, if you’re spending a night on the train, try to be next to someone you now. I was next to a random lady on the way there¹¹, and it’s hard to try to not do embarrassing things when you’re asleep. I think I did okay on that one, though. As I mentioned earlier, our train has been late for the past three years. Third time’s the charm? Not so much. Unless you want to count the fact that it wasn’t as late this year—only 2 or 3 hours—but that’d be stretching it. You know, there’s only so many ways you can amuse yourself if you’re in a small town that you’ve had plenty of time to explore in the past two years. Make that too much time to explore. One year, I think it was last year actually, there was some accident further up the route were an engine braked so hard to avoid hitting a car that it flattened one of its wheels¹². A new engine had to be brought in, which delayed the train. Unfortunately, all they could get was a freight engine, which apparently can’t go as fast as an Amtrak one. The time they got to our station, they were somewhere between 5 and 7 hours behind. By the time we got to our destination, 11 hours. When you get off schedule, you have to yield to everything that’s on schedule and that sets you back even more. And that, my readers, is why, even though flying may be an expensive hassle, it is still better than the train. Until next time…
xxx
Caryn

¹ First, just to get this out of the way, no this was not there to help you with your number skills. Two points if you knew that and are therefore down here wasting your time by reading that last sentence. But, as I was going to say, it is there simply because I felt like pointing out that, since I’m feeling a bit Max-like right now, this is also numero uno! Two points as well if you know who Max is. And if you haven’t gotten many points so far…brush up, my reader. Brush up.
² Which of course we don’t have any of. Right?
³ Ever since flying got to be such an expensive hassle…
⁴ Which is faster at least than my dad drives.
⁷⁹ Okay, now this is a freebie: two points if you noticed this only cause it’s in between 4 and 5 and not because you looked down here after reading the number 79.
⁵ Okay, so maybe for normal people, driving is faster now that I look at it…
⁶ they always make me hope that no fat people are aboard; they might get stuck…that’s how small they are.
⁷ Of course it does, it’s stored in a tank under the train.
⁸ We’re talking like, 22 dollar meals here. And they’re not even gourmet!
⁹ Another two points if you came to the same conclusion.
¹⁰ i.e., your parents make you
¹¹ Because for some odd reason, my dad wouldn’t let Diana (my sister) and I sit together.
¹² I’m afraid the same thing happened to the car…life lesson number 1: do not try to cross the track when a train is coming really fast.